So I have been without my husband during the week for the past 5 weeks. Ya, it sucks. But I know that I am not the only wife who suffers through such torture. The whole time he was gone not once did I break down. I proved that I was tough as nails and had the power to be a single mother. Not that I would ever want this for reals. NEVER!!!
Yesterday I broke down twice. The first during a conversation with Brent during a topic which I didn't think was so sensitive but I ended up in tears.
The second time I broke down was during Ward Choir. I hadn't been to Ward Choir in over 5 weeks. I felt like I was a bit inactive and it was strange coming back. Needless to say this was the first time for me singing the new song. It was a Primary Song which I had heard many times before. I had no problems with it until the very last time we sung it. It brought me to tears and I was unable to finish singing. I felt like a boob, but the words were so powerful to me and I realized that I have some changing to do.
The song is titled, If the Savior Stood Beside Me. The verse that struck me the most was,
He is always near me, though I do not see Him there
And because He loves me dearly, I am in His watchful care
So I'll be the kind of person that I know I'd like to be
If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me.
I love Primary songs. They teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ with simpleness, straight forwardness, and nothing but the truth. I know that this song is meant for children to help them when they are baptized. But as I sung this song I thought of myself as a mother. How I should be treating my children. Am I the mother that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be? Would I treat and talk to my children the way I do if the Savior where standing by my side? Regretably, the answer is no. I think that is why I broke down. I have been feeling guilty for letting the stress of my husband being gone come down on my children. It's not their fault. I decided then and there that I would try my hardest to treat my children the way I would if the Savior were in the room.
My children deserve a Mother that is going to treat them with Love, Honor and Respect. I will try and be the Mother that I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
8 years ago
4 comments:
You know Amberlyn …I have been a single mom for a long time now…Since Carlos passing, Jessica was 8 and Sara 12 years old. Jessica is 16 and Sara 20.(and let’s not even going down the lane of my big mistake of giving them "Darin" such an awful step-father for a few years…a mistake that brings me down on my knees at home, Temple, work, basically everywhere I am and think about that, I start crying and feel so worthless. My leaders tell me to forgive myself; after all he was NOT the man that he turned out to be when I married him. Indeed he was not. But I can’t seem to find redemption when I realize that I allowed that man to be a part of our family). But when I became a single mom…my life became JUST WORK. To make ends meet I work from 4 am till 1 am, from Sunday to Sunday. From one job to another… and my children are so unhappy with me and it wasn’t until NOW that I was reading your blog that it hit me…I too would have to apologize to Jesus Christ for treating his little ones the way I do. I always show disapproval for the noise, a room that is not clean, a plate on the table… for this for that… and when I see them crying and telling me they miss their mom…My heart breaks and still all I tell them is that I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Be a mom and a dad, nurture and punisher, provider and also having to be the loving shoulder they need. Until NOW it never hit me that MAYBE if I could treat the little ones that Our Lord gave me (and I love with every being on me), with more respect, understanding and kindness and stop blaming (even that is unintentionally), them for not have their dad helping me, things will work so much better, because The Lord is here, we feel that everyday… and if we can be a strong family who are here always for one another…Not leaving room for Satan to try to tear us apart, We can make it in such a smoother way. You are amazingly inspirational to me.Thank you Amberlyn.
I know how you feel. I have had a many of break downs myself. I know it is hard to be the "single mom". I am sure that you are a great mom!
---- Isn't that Primary song a powerful song? I find it running through my head at times and is a good reminder.
Thanks for such an honest, sweet post. You are a good mother and your kids love you. Caring for six children and a household by yourself is extremely challenging and let's be honest, not fair for one purpose to endure.
Also, sometimes when the hubs are around life is still stressful. I freaked out big time this weekend because Soren was hysterical over the pain of his diaper rash. I was trying to rinse him off in the tub unsuccessfully and I needed help. I lashed out at Jamie and yelled and felt helpless. Torture, torture, torture. It was not cool.
I have felt a lot of mother guilt lately, it is tough.
Mucic always makes me very emotional. I can hardly sing a church song anymore without crying. I know how you feel.
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