What the #@&$

The other day while getting buckled up to head to the local free watering hole, in the back seat I heard Grace(my sweet baby girl of just 5) exclaim: " Isabel, what the hell?"

My other kids' eyes got really big, I turned my head to hide the fact that I was trying not to laugh, and Grace began to cry.  She immediately recognized her folly and punished herself by removing herself from the 'burb and proclaiming that she was in trouble and couldn't go anymore.  The kids were dumb founded, I followed her into the house all the while Grace is crying hysterically. 

Later that evening at dinner the kids wanted to me to tell Brent about Grace.  When I did, he looked directly at me and said, "Hmm, I wonder where she got that from?" 

Here's where I admit that I have a small, small swearing problem. People, when I say small, I mean small. I usually swear to get my kids attention, or when I'm angry with the dog(which is pretty often). When I swear in front of my teenage son he always acts so shocked and reprimands me for my behavior.   I even told him the other day that I would be very upset with him if I heard that he himself swears at school(Cuz I know kids do when they are away from Mom and Dad).  He immediately told me that he's never sworn before, on purpose.  He then continued to tell me that he thinks swearing is stupid and makes people look UN-intelligent. He then asked me why it is that I swear.  I told him it was my way to rebel.  It's like that song, "You don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?"  Well, I swear.  He then asked me why I have to rebel?    I guess I don't have anything to rebel against.  I just like feeling like a rebel every now and then and enjoying the shock factor. 

 Hearing my 5 year old daughter swear was a wake up call to me that I need to be better.  I set high standards for my children, and I need to make sure that I am living up to those standards as well.  Cutting out swearing is going to be a lot easier for me then cutting out my Diet Coke. 

Hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your dogs!

In January Jaren passed the test to get his learner's permit.  Before that I started taking him to the church parking lot to practice driving.  Pushing the gas to go, hitting the break to stop, getting a feel for how the car turned, all that sort of thing.  None of that prepared me for the sheer terror that comes from actually sitting next to your teenage child as they begin to drive on the real roads.  In most situations, I have far more patience with our children then Brent.  I can usually stay calm, say the right things(or at least try to), and give direction.  Most of the time.  When it comes to teaching my child how to drive all of that went out the window, Fear took over.  For some reason, there is a terrible communication break down.  I assumed he automatically knows how to break at a stop sign, how to stay in the middle of his lane, how to turn left, stay up to speed.  Ya, right.  I ended up bracing against the window, warning against parked cars, raising my voice to get him to break more slowly at the stop sign.  All the while getting a bit of whip lash as he struggles to gage the distance  at said stop sign correctly and not get it right and breaking to hard.  After summing up enough courage, I let Jaren drive several miles home from the store.  Good night, what was I thinking.  He did fairly well until he had to stop and make a left turn.  For some reason he veered the car to the right, blocking anyone from passing on the right side and not stopping in quite the right spot.  I should have kissed the ground when we pulled into the drive way.  A few weeks later I let him drive home from Walmart which is twice as far from home.  He came to a right turn, it was clear.  All of the sudden he breaks hard, then goes.  He was confused, he thought he had to stop, but didn't then went on his way.  He looked at me and said, "That was wrong wasn't it?"  I told him yeah, but he figured it out. 

I'm sure one day he will be a great driver.  More then likely it will have to be his Dad that will need to teach him.  Brent took him out driving and Jaren told me it was way better cuz, "Dad wasn't screaming in my ear."  I readily admit that I experience almost immediate anxiety when I am in the passenger seat.  Most times I get a tension headache.  Even when driving the short distance from the church to our home. 

Teaching my son to drive is not one of my favorite things to do.  As I have been thinking about this part of parenthood it dawned on me that we have come full circle.  I remember the first time I strapped my teeny tiny baby into the car and drove him the short distance to the store.  I had the strangest feeling as we drove together.  This little infant's life was in my hands.  I was more aware then ever that I had some one else to care for other then myself.  His life was completely in my hands. All of the sudden I felt very vulnerable. 

Now, he is behind the wheel, and I am the passenger.  I still feel vulnerable, more then ever.  My life is in his hands.  And that scares the hell out of me. 

When all is said and done, I am confident that Jaren will be a great driver.  He just needs more time behind the wheel.  Practice makes perfect. 

The Story of My Happiness

A few months after moving into our newly built house, I gave birth to my 5th child.  My children, to that point all came to me in a matter of 6 years.  In that amount of time I lost my identity.  I became a robot Mom, with really the only emotions that I expressed freely were frustration and anger.  I found that I was yelling, A LOT.  I allowed the television to be my baby-sitter.  I took a lot of self pity upon myself.  Because strangers told me,  I believed that my hands were too full.  How could I do anything with my hands that full?  I had no yard to throw my kids into.  A new house means a yard left to the weeds.  I'm pretty sure I had some postpartum depression to boot.   At the time I didn't know that's what I was going through. In addition to that, I HATED, I mean HATED going to church.  I got nothing out of it.  How could I when all I did was try to keep my children quiet.  With the only example they had at home was a yelling screaming Mom to teach them how to behave. Not good. 

My first tender mercy were my sweet sweet visiting teachers.  Who, still to this day, are some of my good friends!  They came every month and formed genuine friendships with me.  Both are amazing women who were full of love and desire to help.  Another tender mercy was a neighbor who had just about as many children as I did.  I'm not going to lie, it was helpful and a burden at the same time.  The last thing I needed was more children at my house!  But her encouragement helped me find my own voice again. 

About a year after Beckham was born I started to lose weight.  I knew for sure my weight loss would bring me happiness.  At the same time I started jogging, and playing soccer and even joined a Book Club.  All of these things were great outlets for me and would for sure bring me happiness.

After Running a 5k and being told that I was a Ninja Goal Keeper, and successfully losing some weight,  I still felt empty inside.  I even vocalized this out loud to a friend.  "Even after all these accomplishments, why don't I feel happy?"  There was something missing from my life, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. All I wanted was to be HAPPY.

My friend Melissa started asking me to go to Education Week with her.  That was a game changer for me.  I'm pretty sure that my life started to change after attending a few classes at Education Week. It was there at Education Week that my religion started to play a greater role in my life. 

For a long long time I didn't believe that Heavenly Father cared about me and my problems.  That my problems weren't worth his time.  I didn't believe in the power of prayer.  Why would I pray to a God who didn't care about me.  But every where I turned people told me that Prayer was Essential. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but as I look back I understand what it was I was doing.  I started setting spiritual goals for myself.  Spiritual goals that led me to be more obedient the principles and doctrines of the gospel.  I knew I wasn't happy.  I wasn't Happy as a Wife, as a Mother, and definitely not happy with me.

I started putting Faith into action.  I started praying, reading my scriptures, holding family home evening, attending the Temple.  I began to change myself.  I tried desperately to lower my voice.  I tried to speak loving words to my kids.  Of course I wasn't always successful %100 of the time.  But at least I was making a valiant effort.  I started seeing the good things that my husband did, instead of dwelling on all the things that bugged the crap out of me. 

A few years ago I was introduced again to the 12 Step Program that is offered through the LDS church.  It too, changed my life.  I haven't worked myself all the way through that book, but I have come leaps and bounds from where I was.

In addition to going to Education Week I started attending an Institute Class.  Which was and is amazing and continued to change me, change my nature, change my heart. 

I began to fill the seems of my daily life with Conference Talks.  While I would fold laundry, or clean my room, or while doing the dishes I would listen to the Prophet and Apostles.  Again, a game changer. 

While sitting in Sunday School a few weeks ago we were talking about Obedience and the blessings that come from being obedient.  As I sat there and listened, the spirit quietly whispered to me, YOU ARE HAPPY.  Something that I have been praying for, working for, and hoping for had finally come to fruition.  The emptiness that I had inside, that seemed as deep as a black hole, had finally been filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  And all because of my ordinary acts of obedience.  It really was the small and simple things that made the biggest difference in my life. 

As I sat and pondered all that prompting meant to me, I realized that my life is at this moment, over flowing with happiness.  I am happy as a Mom.  At times my kids still fight and I still have to be the referee, mediator, and sooth sayer.  But I understand how to handle it now.  I see my children as blessings and not obstacles. 

I have never in my whole married life been more in love with my husband.  I ache to be with him, and love being in his presence.  Which makes it so much easier to support him in his calling, for some strange reason.  I told Brent that this too, is a blessing from being obedient.  He agreed whole heartedly. 

And most of all, I am finally happy with who I am.  And you know what, I'm not skinny either.  Becoming skinny, does not make you happy.  I finally figured out what was most important in life and am starting to let go of the unimportant.  Of course I still make a valiant effort to eat healthy and exercise.  And that's all that's asked of me. 

I completely understand that I am living on a Peak right now, breathing deeply, taking in all the good I see.  I'm sure at any moment I could slide off that peak and land in a dark valley.  But at least I understand what true happiness feels like.  It took me 7 years to get me where I'm at, right at this moment.  I am so grateful that God never gave up on me.  That he sent people to me and gave me experiences that helped my faith to grow.

The gospel of Jesus Christ changed my heart, changed my nature, gave me Happiness.